We Need To Talk About Drinking And Flying

Hey you. Yeah, I'm talking to you. You know who you are. You're the person pre-gaming your flight, trying to sneak booze onto my plane, doing your best to con free drinks off the flight attendant, and claiming that a Gin & Tonic "helps you sleep" on your day-flight.

You.

We need to talk about your drinking problem and the problem it's causing for everyone around you because you're doing it in a public place.

Today's rant is brought to you by 2 incidents in so many weeks. First, a man getting off my flight was so drunk that he and his teenage son got into a physical fight on the jet bridge, one that I, your flight attendant, had to break up. One that caused me deep concern for your son because he was way too unsurprised when you shoved him violently against the wall of the jetbridge.

Second, a woman traveling by herself was so drunk she literally could not put one foot in front of the other when she arrived at her destination. She was not capable of walking to baggage claim on her own, and I had to go so far as to order wheelchair assistance for her and use her cell phone to call her ride on her behalf because I was scared she might be attempting to drive wherever she was headed next.

Fifty Shades of Grey Drinking Game

Fifty Shades of Grey: The Drinking Game

Because at this point, booze may be the only way to get through the rest of this book.

One Drink:

• "Oh my"
• "Double Crap"
• "Mighty _____," particularly "mighty fine."  (Who even says this?)
• Christian's "long fingers" are mentioned
• "My subconscious."
• someone gasps  (no seriously you will be amazed by how often this happens)
• absurd product placement (cars, tea, computers, etc. mentioned in excessive brand detail)
• Ana "flushes" or "blushes"
• Grey's pants hang "in that way"
• gift-giving disproportionate to the relationship
• unnecessary lists of three (one adjective or metaphor is more than sufficient most of the time, E.L. James)
• Ana refers to her roommate by her full name, Katherine Kavanagh, rather than simply "Kate."

Two Drinks:

• Ana is painfully ignorant to the point that you have to forcefully suspend your disbelief
• "Inner goddess"
• "Laters, ____."
• Grey does something so pretentious/ridiculous you have to stop reading to laugh. 

Bottoms-Up:

• You are actively offended.
• Unnecessary ellipse ("…")
• Someone refers to sex as "doing it."
• Someone refers to a part of the anatomy ambiguously as "…there." 

Round for the Whole House:

• A sexual act feels non-consensual to you.