We Need To Talk About Drinking And Flying

Hey you. Yeah, I'm talking to you. You know who you are. You're the person pre-gaming your flight, trying to sneak booze onto my plane, doing your best to con free drinks off the flight attendant, and claiming that a Gin & Tonic "helps you sleep" on your day-flight.

You.

We need to talk about your drinking problem and the problem it's causing for everyone around you because you're doing it in a public place.

Today's rant is brought to you by 2 incidents in so many weeks. First, a man getting off my flight was so drunk that he and his teenage son got into a physical fight on the jet bridge, one that I, your flight attendant, had to break up. One that caused me deep concern for your son because he was way too unsurprised when you shoved him violently against the wall of the jetbridge.

Second, a woman traveling by herself was so drunk she literally could not put one foot in front of the other when she arrived at her destination. She was not capable of walking to baggage claim on her own, and I had to go so far as to order wheelchair assistance for her and use her cell phone to call her ride on her behalf because I was scared she might be attempting to drive wherever she was headed next.


After both incidents, I rounded on my fellow crew-members in horror and incredulously asked "How much did you give him/her?!" (As flight attendants, we are certainly authorized to cut someone off who has had too much and is becoming a safety issue.)

The first time, they shrugged and told me "He got on the plane that way. He only had one or two."

The second time "I didn't give her anything."

So let's talk about that. Both of these people probably boarded the flight drunk and, especially in the second case, probably smuggled their own booze on the plane to continue drinking.

I'm going to start with that: Smuggling booze onto the plane. I'm even going to say this in bold, all capital letters so that you can hear me in the back of the room.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO "SNEAK" BOOZE ONTO YOUR FLIGHT. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BRING YOUR OWN BOOZE AND IMBIBE IT IN FLIGHT IF AND ONLY IF YOU ALLOW THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT TO SERVE IT TO YOU.

Let me say it again more calmly in case you didn't understand my shouting. You're not being clever. You're not getting away with something. You're actually just being really dumb. You can drink your own booze on a flight as long as you allow the Flight Attendant to serve it, which typically entails us going "Sure!" and happily opening the bottle or can for you and then leaving you the hell alone.

Now let me explain why this is important. Do you think, maybe, just maybe, if you become beligerent or violent, develop sudden illness, or fall unconscious during my flight, that it might be important for me to be aware of how much alcohol you've consumed during the flight and what kind?

Exactly.

I think we can all agree that that rule is not only completely reasonable but also more than justifiable. So let's move on to the next reason you're being dumb.

"It helps me sleep."

No, no it doesn't. As a matter of fact, it's going to keep you awake. I get it; you're a nervous flier, and you think a quick bloody mary or five is going to help calm your nerves. That may be true, but it's not going to help you sleep. Flying dehydrates you. It's just a fact. Guess what else dehydrates you? Alcohol. (And salt--have you looked at the label on a bloody mary mix lately? Yikes.) And finally, guess what makes it difficult for you to sleep? DEHYDRATION. -facepalm-

You know what helps you sleep? A nice tepid glass of water. Consider that next time.

Now, there's something else I want to touch on here, that's a little more opinion-based on my part. But this is my angry rant, and I do what I want, so I'm going to talk about it anyway. Let's talk about social awareness. Do you really think an airport or airplane is a great place for you to get wasted? Do you? It's not a club. It's not a bar. It's not your frat brother's basement. It's pretty much the equivalent of getting drunk on a bus. The only difference (and I'll even concede it's a fair one) is yes, we do serve drinks here. But that's not an invitation for you to get hammered. Let's face it; most people are pretty obnoxious when they're drunk. Their emotions start running high, they get louder, clumsier, more touchy-feely, and less capable of controlling their impulses. Does that sound like someone you want to be stuck sitting next to in coach on a 4 hour 30 min flight to LA? I once almost threw a drunk man off my plane because he was being noncompliant before take-off and refusing to end his cell-phone call. You know why I didn't? I was feeling extra bitch-y, and I knew that he was on his way to the Caribbean to get married, and he was not going to use me as an excuse to screw that up for his future wife.

It's immature and it's impolite. No one else in the airport or on the plane thinks you're cute or charming for this behavior. Oh, and if you're the loser who's complaining about paying for drinks because one time on one other flight, a Flight Attendant was nice to you and did you the favor of giving you a one-time complimentary drink and now you expect that all the time on every single flight you go on, I'd like to formally request that you lie awake in bed tonight staring at the ceiling and thinking about your life choices.

In keeping with this theme of whether or not an airport/airplane is an appropriate place for inebriation, let's talk safety. I've said it before and I'm going to keep on saying it until people sit up and pay attention: We live in a post 9-11 world, and you can't just do whatever you want on a plane anymore.

We've all seen the YouTube videos of drunk passengers causing scenes, getting agressive with crew members, and generally instigating mayhem. How dare you. How dare you put all of us in a position that we are less safe, passengers and crew-members included? 3 times out of 5 when I have to deal with passengers getting into fights with each other or trying to start a fight with me, excessive drinking is involved. I have been cornered in my galley more times than I can count by drunk men who think they're hitting on me (problematic enough) but are actually scaring the hell out of me by violating my personal space. How dare you. Your mother would be ashamed of you. And if she wouldn't, then my mother would be ashamed of you AND your mother.

I'm not saying don't drink. I'm not saying that at all. I'm simply asking for maturity and self-control. You can drink without getting intoxicated. We don't have a lot of rules about alcohol on the aircraft itself, so please, follow the few that we do. Don't bring an open container of alcohol on your flight. If you do bring your own booze, ask the flight attendant to serve it to you. And if your flight attendant asks whether you're planning to drive once you reach your destination, take that as a very heavy-handed, very polite hint that you should consider slowing down and sparing us all.

TLDR: By all means, feel free to indulge in a little fun while you travel, but keep it in moderation.